Dip Reinegger and the Time-Vamps of the Year 5000
MAR 11, 2026 Earthtime
Dip Reinegger and the Time-Vamps of the Year 5000
Get ready for a weird one, Dipheads! Just when I thought the Andromeda galaxy couldn't get any stranger, I ran into a guy who makes Dr. Rumour look like Kip Winger. I was using a chisel to give the pilot’s seat of #starkween a much need Dip-scraping when the space in front of me turned to blood and a gothic castle warped right into my flight path.
A Stake in the Game
A space organ blasted over the comms with the melody of La Cucaracha. Onto the viewer appeared a floating, dramatic dude in a velvet cape and steampunk goggles with one red eye. He introduced himself as Count Voltara The Infinite. He claimed he was a vampire from the year 5000 who travels through time to find special victims for his ceaseless blood lust.
"Dip Reinegger," he hissed and pointed at me. "Your life force is a vintage year. I shall feast upon your essence and then go back to Tuesday to do it again!"
"Listen, Count Sparkle-Pants," I said, powering up my weapons array and giving Roban the signal to prepare for battle. "The only thing you're feasting on is my dust."
The Count laughed and declared, “That’s what you said yesterday.”
Coffin Up Blood
Voltara lunged toward the screen, moving faster than a glitched-out hologram as he transformed into an electronic bat and burst out of my own viewscreen and onto my ship! I tried to grab for my rifle across the cockpit, but the Count, now back in humanoid form, moved faster than light to get between it and myself.
Roban was out of his seat and nowhere to be seen. That just left me, Voltara, and the chisel in my hand.
The Count made his move and I drove my chisel straight through the vampire’s heart! He slumped to the floor, his blood squirting violently in every direction. But just then he adjusted the large silver chrono-ring on his finger, rewinding time by 10 seconds as I felt myself re-enact our struggle in reverse.
There I stood again, chisel in hand as Count Voltara loudly knocked on the metal chest piece he now had under his tunic.
I’m Out of Puns
But he didn’t realize one thing: Roban, my mandroid twin, could detect timeline discrepancies and had prepared in advance. This time, as the Vampire was about the charge, Roban grabbed him from behind, throwing the stunned Count into a waiting tanning bed which the mandroid promptly shut. He climbed on top to keep his weight on it and was about to turn it on—
“Wait!” I yelled as I racked my brain for a quality quip. “Uh, ‘UV good now?’”
Roban gave an expression of “Meh” as the vampire underneath him struggled to against the lid.
“Okay wait. ‘We’re gonna give you a killer tan.’”
The mandroid gave a sour face.
“Wait, I’ll get one,” Dip offered. “Uh—”
Roban, impatient of Dip’s quips, flipped the switch.
The agonized screams of that burning vampire haunt my tanning bed to this day. I can hardly get any sleep in it anymore.
The Spoils
The Space Castle vanished and Roban and I went about our routine. But the Count did drop one thing before he was incinerated.
"Well, Roban," I said, throwing the cape over my shoulders and striking a pose. "You think I could work with this?"
"My sensors indicate you look like you’re headed to your 7th birthday party."
"Jealousy is a green-eyed monster, Roban.”
“You look like a Marvel hero with really basic powers, like Valet Man.”
“Okay.”
“Package Delivery Man.”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Captain Custodian.”
“You know you have an off-switch, right.”
“And you have 2 puncture wounds on your neck.”
“Say what!?”
“Nothing, just kidding,” Roban muttered with an inquisitive look…
Could Dip become…one of them?